Don’t Call Me Baby: A Post About Straight Talk, Death and Vaginas.

Let’s get one thing straight. I am not a cutesy type of gal. I don’t respond well to baby talk, pandering or unnecessary subtleties. Life is short and people often have things far more important to do with their time than decode your quirky take on the English language. Say what you mean and don’t dilly dally. Or use words like “dilly dally” for fuck’s sake!

As someone who likes to use words a lot (and, let’s face it has her own way with words and applies her own rules of grammar), I find I have developed quite the list of words and phrases that just rub me up the wrong way. Here’s some, that when I hear them, make me throw up in my mouth a little:

Cannot stand the cutesy abbreviation of husband. I’ve never used it and my husband has never responded to it.

Refer ‘Hubby’.

Used only in reference to an actual baby. Not a grown human. Despite how much I may adore them.

When used by a) someone you don’t know or b) someone you do know but who should know better. My husband has my permission to call me ‘Honey’.

Mummy. Daddy.
From the mouths of anyone over the age of 12.

When referring to breasts and the act of breastfeeding. No baby ever needs ‘booby’. Baby needs breast. Because breast is best. Except when it isn’t and your best is best (but that’s a whole other gripe in a different post).

It’s ‘breakfast’ you infant! 

Refer ‘Breaky’. It’s a fucking biscuit (often heard in relation to having a ‘cuppa’ which is also entirely grating). 

Go on a holiday and take your stupid abbreviations with you.

I’ve got a few friends called Chrissy but it’s no way to refer to Christmas. Nor is Xmas a way to spell it! 

My mother died. She’s dead. She hasn’t passed anything. And while I often feel a bit lost without her I certainly haven’t lost her. I know where she is, She’s dead.

Fall pregnant
I believe I ‘got’ pregnant and only fell over when I lost my balance because my fat belly meant my centre of gravity shifted.

V Jay Jay
It’s a vagina. Which is a perfectly lovely word in my opinion. It’s also different to the vulva which is actually what most people mean when they say ‘vagina’ (Google it. You’re welcome).

‘Entrepreneur’ is a perfectly reasonable way to describe a business savvy person who is female. Her ability to breed is irrelevant. If she’s marketing a product to mums then she’s smart and knows a niche when she sees one. Good on her. Any title Mum-related is insulting and condescending and implies women are idiots. Don’t get me started on Mummy Blogger or Yummy Mummy (just had a little vomit). 

Fur baby
Too cutesy for my liking but I can understand the predisposition to treating a pet like a baby. Just don’t use it in my company and expect me to take you seriously. 

It takes just as much breath and brain power to say ‘Thanks’, you fool.

Oh I could go on and on now that I’ve started but not wanting to make this a completely grumpy post about words that piss me off here are a handful I happily use regularly that, for all intents and purposes, could have been listed above.

What a load of nonsense.

Refer ‘Malarkey’ and add an unnecessary complex situation.

To wander happily through life without a care in the world (not the berries you put on fish)

Tootle Pip
Refer ‘Caper’ and make your exit.

..which I will now…and leave you to ponder my gripes and tell me your pet peeves. Go on…gripe away.

3 thoughts on “Don’t Call Me Baby: A Post About Straight Talk, Death and Vaginas.

  1. Hun = Attila the Hun… EVERY TIME I READ OR HEAR IT!!!!
    Am quite partial to the last four though….
    The rest of them fucking shit me!!! ?

    This article is the BEST , Kim !! You have me in stitches here,


    Mary ?

  2. Oh I love this list!!!! My pet hate is when someone says ‘we’ are pregnant. Sorry ‘we’ aren’t….the lady is pregnant and only her. ‘We’ are having a baby yes but only one is pregnant. Oh…..and the names people have for a penis. It’s simple, it’s a penis and that’s it.

  3. Dads saying they have to babysit. They should be saying “Sorry Dazza I cant meet you at the pub for a beer, I have to be a parent.”

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