Hello? Is anyone still there?

Yes it’s been a while. I don’t blame you if you’re not there. Or you hang up on me before reading anymore. That’s cool. This blog has been on radio silence for a few months. And while I’d love to say it’s because I’ve been on some exotic holiday learning to eat, love and pray I’m afraid the truth is I’ve just been very busy.

Very busy gasping for breath.
Very busy doing nothing.
Very busy looking for the turn off from Struggle Street.

It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say. It’s not that I haven’t been an avid observer of the world through my window, at my local Coles or in the playground of my child’s new Kindy. And it’s not that I haven’t been out and about in my world. I’ve been there. I’ve been social (media that is, not parties or dinners or anything that requires a modicum of effort).

I just haven’t wanted to communicate all that much. Which is a bit of an issue when you’ve started an on online community slash business slash writing blog thingie and then just…can’t.

So I was a bit fucked really.

Around December last year (yes, all those red wines ago) I tripped over myself and lost my way. I suddenly had no freakin’ clue which way to step and as a result got stuck in a state of complete and utter inertia. For me that state is generally found on my bathroom floor. A place I have sunk to more than once over these past few months.

Why? Because it’s quiet. The door has a lock on it. The cool tiles…oh, you want to know what made me sink? Sure, sorry. Silly me. Of course every mother knows the sanctuary that is the locked bathroom!

My latest fall from sanity was caused by a combination of things. None of which were significant on their own but when stacked up one after the other combined to create the perfect storm of depression and guilt and anxiety and a complete cluster fuck of a somewhat mid-life crisis. I’m 45. Surely that qualifies as a mid-life crisis?

I was stagnant and without ambition. A pretty hard combo to fight your way out of. And I’m not there yet. But I am back at my keyboard. Which is a good start (I hope you’ll agree).

I am a highly functioning depressive. Isn’t that a great label? Feel free to steal it or use it to inspire your own life. I’m very good at carrying on with life and social media posts with nary a sign that the wheels have fallen off. Let’s be frank, many mothers have made an art out of just getting shit done when they’d rather be somewhere else. Little people won’t feed themselves and that bloody iPad always needs to be recharged!

During the last few months I’ve become hyper-sensitive to all the food, fitness and fabulous bullshit that’s in the media. I know. I know. Long time readers will recognise the irony in that statement. This blog was built on my special take on food and fitness. I think my focus on that industry (“wellness” – fucking air quotes intentional) was really the beginning of my latest downfall. I was so sick of seeing one transformation post after another. One new recipe after another that was designed to make me feel happy about the food I was eating. It started having an impact on how I viewed my world so I stopped viewing my world that way. I stopped engaging with that line of conversation on social media and I re-wired my social feeds.

I started to spend time listening to, and watching, media about lives less fortunate. Because, in my misery, I needed to remind myself that I live a very fortunate life. Not a Kardashian-raking-in-the-millions fortunate life just a life that means I probably won’t ever live on the streets (*touches wood*).

IMAGE CREDIT: PADHIA https://www.instagram.com/unfukyourself/ x

A friend of mine often says, “When you don’t know what to do just do anything”. So, in an effort to ensure that my life doesn’t take to the streets I did do something. Earlier this year I auditioned for a game show where I’m bound to win a million dollars. Because why wouldn’t you go on national television when you’ve been in hiding for months?

No matter how many stumbles I take or silly efforts I make to pick myself up the fact remains that I am surrounded by excellent people. I am indeed, very fortunate. But no amount of home truths or caring friends can convince me to get up off my bathroom floor until I’m good and ready.

You’ve just got to wait for that shit to pass…and for the right audition.

40 thoughts on “Hello? Is anyone still there?

  1. Yes I’m here Kim and listening. I don’t have any wise words except I get it. Take card and keep on keeping on. I hope sharing helps- I appreciate it. Xx

  2. Welcome back, Kim, and thank you for your words. I don’t do anything until I’m ready, too. I swear by readiness because it goes on intuition – no forced fronts, nothing unauthentic. Just your own truth, a platform for your awareness. My daughter undergoing toilet training is reminding me of this. She had a crack when she was ready. It’s the only way to be. ?

    • Hello darling Kathy with a K! I love that you can include the words “toilet training” in your reply to me. Tickles me. That’s what I love about you. Nothing but reality xxx

  3. Thinking of you during this time and oddly enough you were missed by the 28 community and every now and then I’d send up a prayer for you. Curveballs in life are so unpredictable and it’s important to go at your own pace, reach out, accept help and acknowledge that you are struggling and that it’s OK. I know that once you get through this you will emerge stronger and even more resilient with further knowledge that will inspire others. You are a giver Kim even if right now it doesn’t seem that way. “Women are like tea bags. They never know how strong they are until they are put in hot water,” Eleanor Roosevelt

  4. Hullo, you junior doppelgänger ?xx
    The beauty of your writing /blogging , Kim, is that for some of us you articulate so clearly what we may be living or have experienced:- that is the HAPPY, FUNNY and the downright heart wrenchingly EXHAUSTING feelings and sensations that life throws as curve balls at us.

    I kind of feel like I am at the almost geriatric end of your readership but I LOVE your work.

    Oh, and I quit my job today…it feels great, so I’m free to gasbag with you on those bathroom tiles anytime you like ??xx

    • Hello Mary Mae…my absolute fav. Are there really that many years between us? Surely not ? Quit your job? Amazing! Congratulations…what now? Wine and charades (Gatsby style?). I expect lots more insta action from you then. xxx

  5. Glad you’re back Kim, missed your blogs. I went through a few months of unfollowing the group, wasn’t in the right headspace.
    I hope you get your mojo back with a vengeance x

  6. I’m here too Kim and I’ve missed your emails and ‘air comments’ lol
    Glad to see you’ve taken a step and looking forward to your next email when you can breathe a little easier

  7. Welcome back, Kim. I love your “no bullshit” attitude. Goes with my “no dickheads” policy. Take your time. We’re all here!

    • Hi Kate…no time for bullshit, dickheads or social media filters ?. Thanks for your message. Glad you’re still here xx

  8. Was there some almighty change on the atmosphere in December? I feel like myself and multiple other people have also been in said ‘high functioning depressive state’ since then…./

  9. I’m here!!! I’ve missed reading your awesome blogs. Always such a great read. Take whatever time you need…….xx

  10. Hi Kim. Have missed your straight forward, no bullshit blogs. No matter where in life you’re at, there’s always someone that’s been there, is there, or is about to be there, So please continue to share your wise words. Oxxo

  11. Welcome back!! I have missed you! I am here anytime you want to talk or just sit or just talk
    and sit and sip the wine 🙂

  12. Oh Kim…sorry to hear you have been on Struggle Street…that bloody sux….i hope you are taking care of you more this year. Parenting & ‘life’ are so hard some weeks aren’t they…i have missed seeing your witty posts on 28 !
    Hang in there Kim….one day at a time ☀️

  13. Great to see you back Kim, hope your days are spent more and more off the bathroom floor (not that the odd bathroom floor sesh isn’t a good thing). Take care, looking forward to reading more from you.

  14. Hi Kim, I love your writing so much and it always seems to pop up when I need it most. Exactly 2 weeks and 2 days ago I was on top of the world, feeling hugely positive about a new business idea, exercising, dancing and finally learning to open up to people and show my true self to others. Then exactly 2 weeks and 1 day my beautiful cat died. She has sat by my side (I work from home) every single day for the past 8 years. When my husband would come home from work she would rush to his chair and wait for him so she could launch herself on his shoulder. We built a massive outdoor patio for her so she would be safe and not run out on the road. We planned holidays around whether or not her favorite chattery had a vacancy. She made us a family. She made this house of ours a home. And now she’s gone. My grief has been so incredibly overwhelming and the pain is unbearable. Some days I can almost feel my stomach ripping apart. I cry every single day. I fall apart in the supermarket staring at green beans because maybe I should buy snow peas but I can’t decide and I don’t care anyway. I’ve had vodka for breakfast. I too have distracted myself with disastrous world events in a useless attempt to guilt myself out of feeling this way because she was “only a cat”. I’m incredibly angry and want to punch the wall. And the vet. And yet I’m still getting my work done albeit through eyes so red and swollen I can barely see the keyboard. But now it seems my time is up. I’m “not allowed” to feel this way anymore apparently. Yesterday we took a drive to see a relative who asked me what was wrong. I said I was having a hard time and his response was “still grieving?”in a somewhat incredulous tone. Last night my brave husband went to collect her ashes and I fell to pieces again just at the exact time my mother (who makes no bones about loving her animals far more than her children) called. She yelled at me as I was crying and said “that’s enough! It’s over now, you must stop! You’re becoming a burden! It worked. My tears suddenly stopped and I replied “are you kidding me! 2 weeks and I must stop. I didn’t know there was a grief timeline. I didn’t realize the gravity of my emotions was an inappropriate response. I missed the memo that set down the boohoo rules. So I put the phone down and screamed. And after this outpouring I shall most likely retreat to my fake self that smiles on the outside while dying on the inside. But I shall continue to greatly admire the bravery of people like yourself who has the courage to acknowledge that life is a struggle and there’s no shame in admitting that we’re not very good at it sometimes. Knowing there is someone like you out there gives me strength and makes me feel I’m not alone. I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. Please don’t stop doing you anyway you want to. You’re perfect. Cx

    • Wow. Thank you for such a heartfelt reply. I’ve been fairly stunned at the amount of people who are still willing to open an email from me or check the blog. So grateful. My thoughts about your current state are they are never ‘only a cat’. If you are a cat person (I am), then a cat makes a home, along with the family. I 100% empathise with where you are coming from. And YES…you need to crack on with life but there is NO TIME LIMIT on grief. For goodness sake…grieve long and hard and pick yourself up when you’re ready. Grief will also return, again and again over the years. And all of that is perfectly acceptable. Have the vodka. Let the grief in…know that it will pass…just don’t stay there for too long before you get professional help, OK? I’ll keep writing because of people like YOU. Hugs etc KC xx

      • Thanks Kim, it never ceases to amaze me how judgemental and dismissive some people are to others who are obviously struggling for whatever reason. With all the dialogue surrounding mental health, there doesn’t seem to be much of a shift that I’ve noticed. What I experienced with the mother last night (she is a very stiff upper lip cold Englishwoman) was hardly a surprise. Basically I was told to pull my socks up and get it together even though I consider the fact that I’m managing to function (albeit at the lowest level) a miracle considering how I’m feeling. I am going to take your advice and seek some professional help as I have a feeling this loss has opened up a not-so-Grand Canyon of suppressed emotions surrounding the loss of my only child at 12 weeks many many years ago, my brother in law committing suicide, a terrible relationship which saw my business being taken away from in an amazing ‘fuck you’ from my ex-fiancee and my husband being retrenched last year. I did a very short meditation this morning and getting professional help came up very strongly. So here I go. I pity the poor guy/girl who has to listen to all my shit but at the ripe old age of 49 plus it’s about time. By the way, have you heard of a fellow called Kyle Cease? He’s a ‘transformational comedian’ we discovered online who has a fabulous take on life and offers brilliant advice. In the meantime, keep writing and big HUGS back xx

        • I am very pleased to read that you are investing in some help. Smart move. Very smart move. Especially when you’ve been dealt a crap hand. Haven’t heard of Kyle Crease…will look him up :). Take care x

  15. So lovely to hear from you You always manage to bring a smile to my face and onsome occasions a snort out loud so thank you for that. Take care and hope to hear from you soon xx

  16. Hi gorgeous. Funnily enough, I “met” you within the 28 community, during some of my bathroom tiles days as I spent a year battling with PTSD. Your raw honesty and ability to verbalize some of my own thoughts with precision instantly drew me to your writings. I became a fan and still am. Take your time sweet thang, it’s the only way to get thru to the other side before you can put your batsuit back on xx
    (I use batsuit rather than superman on purpose. Going from feeling batshit crazy to feeling as powerful as batman is truly a superhero feat)… lol

    • Hi Elle…I remember you 🙂 Thank you so much for your words. I have wonder woman shoes…which are just as good as a batsuit 😉 x

  17. I read this post from the ProBlogger Community FB page. I didn’t know you before that. You are an incredibly talented writer and I’m going to follow your journey. I’ve been AWOL from my blogs (2 of them), too, but thanks to the community at ProBlogger, I’m getting my sea legs back. I wish you all the best!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *